WRESTLING WITH TRANSFORMATION
I have wrestled to find the words that would begin this blog post. I have told myself for months upon months that I would start sharing my reflections and writing in hopes of living out loud and inspiring a sense of presence in action through the honest reflections I can offer. It has always been my vow as a guide to others in the realm of meditation, yoga, and personal growth to live and embody such practices to their fullest extent.
So, I guess it makes sense that I begin here, in the midst of social media posts where it is so easy to assume that a single photo defines our world or a single status update replaces the intimacy of a hug, or the presence of a long conversation, one with enough time and space to meet all of the edges of a life in the midst of transition.
Friends have so graciously inquired about what has changed in my world to warrant the limited and vague posts I have shared on social media. Others have asked why I have uncharacteristically canceled plans or events. I have wrestled with what exactly to say. It’s a courageous challenge to find the words that speak to a flawed, painful, yet genuine reality.
After vacationing and leading a round of retreats on the Hawaiian Islands this past June, my world turned upside down in ways that were shocking, unexpected, and heartbreaking. It is with a heavy heart that I share that after many wonderful years of marriage to my partner in life and best friend, Fahad, we have decided to separate and divorce. Following an abundance of intentional dialogue and exploration, it became clear for Fahad that being married is no longer a fit for what is next in his journey.
We love each other immensely. There are no words for the gratitude we feel for our years together or for the friends that have held both of us up in this process. I have no doubt that there is and will continue to be deep love, friendship, and care between the two of us as we are committed to kindly, consciously, and slowly dismantling our shared life together. The grief we both feel is tremendous in different ways.
Since this unfolding, I have gently guided myself through so many unknowns as I piece together a shockingly unfamiliar life and a broken heart. I have at times found myself afraid to enter my yoga practice or meditation practice due to the depth of pain I suddenly carry. What I now know even more clearly is that such a practice can hold it all. Fierce, steady, and true.
I have taken what is probably an unhealthy amount of pride in my capacity for self-reliance. So many times in my life I have refused support, anxious and worried I would inconvenience or burden someone. Never more have I needed a community of friends to hold space for me as I navigate this part of my own life journey. So many friends have revealed generous amounts of love to me through this. The gratitude I feel for such support has broken me open even more. I do not always feel grown up enough to face the days ahead, but I do have faith in life’s capacity to meet all of us with grace on life’s own terms in these moments.
I am struck by the ways that as everything I have known has fallen away, there is a presence, wisdom, and unconditional acceptance that seems to show up in the same way light-posts guide a dark street.
Light does not discriminate. It patiently waits for us to claim it. I know that over time change will happen, my broken heart will heal itself into a new shape, and the future will reveal its untold possibilities. For now, I am spending time nurturing my spirit back to life in the company of beloved friends as I make this transition.
With gratitude for your presence and your light in my life and the world,
PHOTO BY FLINT SPARKS